Thankful Thursday: You know, that feeling...

I'm not sure how to start this post. Mostly right now all I have is a great gush of feeling filling up in my stomach and chest... that feeling of love and hope and anticipation. That feeling you get when you are going to see a loved one you haven't seen for a long time and then they walk into the room and you catch your breath when you see their face...that familiar face. And you just want to run up and throw your arms around them. That's how I've felt the past couple of days. And to put it simply, I'm thankful.

I'm thankful for the beautiful souls who honor my life everyday with their presence, for the people who I get to share this journey with. I am thankful for the opportunity to learn the lesson of true friendship and to be blessed with those who stay.

You all are my teachers.

Perspective

This is what it's all about:

Read this while I weep

Your Mother

My mother puts me
in her warm hands
and I smile.
I love her
more than the world.

She is the one
with the warm smile
always on her face.

She is the one
to smile deeply
until you
smile deeply too.

I hug her
and she hugs me back.
I feel as if
there was magic
in the air,
and there is;
it is the magic
of love.


Sophia wrote this for me last night while I ranted about my girls' messy messy room. Need I say more?

Neglected jobs and tea parties

Today is apparently a day for neglected jobs: cleaning trash cans, scrubbing the floor under large appliances, decluttering the top of my dryer.

The advent of Halloween and sticky gunk stuck to the sides and bottom of the trash cans is a sign that it is time. I only use a bag in the kitchen trash (the one all stickies are supposed to be tossed in), trying to be kind to our landfills. (or in attempt to off set the guilt of all the disposable diapers we've sent there over the past 91/2 years.) In spite of the yucky factor, it's a surprisingly rewarding task,creating an entirely new appreciation for the void and sparkling trash receptacles.

In the past, it's been customary to pull the big appliances out (washer, dryer, fridge, stove) in the last few weeks of my pregnancies. The hidden floors probably deserved to be scrubbed more often, but at least I was consistent. Since the whole nesting thing is a past chapter, I'm thinking a new routine will need to be established. I haven't figured that out yet, but the trash cans just put me in the mood, so maybe chewed and discarded gum is the trigger. At any rate, again, quite a rewarding job...can't see it, but you just know it's clean. That's nice.

The laundry room in our house is also the downstairs bathroom, and where I store cleaning supplies. The dryer has become one of the many collection spots. It collects spare change, combs and brushes, a variety of hair accessories, baseballs, empty detergent bottles awaiting rinse and recycle, nail clippers, plastic recorders, buttons and dust, among other items. The plan is to declutter this area and wipe it clean, but I've been side-tracked by a lovely tea-party hosted by my Sarah.

The dryer can wait...

Thankful Thursday: Bigelow's Vanilla Almond

I'm thankful for my next-door friend who decided not to wait until Christmas to deliver a box of Bigelow Tea's coveted Vanilla Almond. We've both grieved this line being pulled from local grocer's shelves, bought multiple boxes at a time wherever found, and shared our dwindling stock.

What is it about this tea that keeps us hunting it down? It is, as with all well- brewed tea, the aroma. Mmmmn. Maybe it is the fragrance of friendship, of late nights sitting up together, hot tea cupped in hands. Front porches, wicker seating, great conversation and tea.

I needed a good cuppa today. But more than that, I needed the smiling face, the "I couldn't make you wait 'til Christmas." Thank you, friend...that meant a lot to me today.

A Song by Sophie

Sophie wrote this song for me. At the top of the page she added her version of the musical notations, influenced I'm guessing from music class at school. I love this. Here are the words:

If you think so slow

and it's sunny and slow

you better be happy

where you are

and bow down

beneath the air

hold your breath

for a second or more

hope you enjoy

what God gives you

on this earth.

~Sophie~

(7 yrs.)

LOL

There's a new comic in our house. She's two.

Her: Knock Knock

Me: Who's there?

Her: Manana

Me: Banana who?

She covers her mouth with her hands and snickers.

Then we all laugh wildly.

It's a good one.

Halloween

Ruby did have a diaper on here, but by this point, clothes were optional.

An Ode to Laundry and other things I didn't figure in...

I dreamed about guitars and walks in the woods...and helping people. I dreamed about traveling to India or writing music and poetry. These were my grown-up dreams in college.

I loved college. I loved the soulful, beautiful people I met there. I loved the freedom of finding my passion in life. I loved my writing classes and my mentors. I loved being alone.

I did laundry in college...at the laundromat. Sometimes I used the campus laundromat. It was always full of fantastic people. Funny people, studying people, people folding jeans. I liked to sit on my dryer and just be with them all. Sometimes we'd go to an off-campus laundromat, toss our clothes in and run quick to the Baskin-Robbins next door for ice-cream.

I never dreamed about my future laundry. Laundry was not as dreamy as music and poetry...and certainly didn't have the altruistic pull of digging wells in third-world countries and feeding wide-eyed hungry children. My dreams were much more magnanimous than washing clothes.

A couple of years into college, my friends started pairing up. Some were getting engaged, some were getting married. I was reading Amy Carmichael books, contemplating a single life traveling to foreign countries to save the world, and writing. Do missionaries do laundry? A picture of humanitarian aid workers washing socks never entered my imagination...just dirt and sweat and pony-tails.

Then something entirely unsuspected happened. I fell crazy in love. Total misjudgment, I know. You just can't plan these things. One minute you're building your castle in the sky, next minute you're gazing into the blue eyes of your destiny. And you start dreaming together.

Ten years and four little blue-eyes later, dirt and sweat and pony tails are my reality. So is sock-washing. My dreams never really faded, they just evolved. In truth, they came in to focus. Writing and walking in the woods, seeing people loved and transformed...these are still at the core of my aspirations. Only now, I'm dressing a few of them in Halloween costumes and trying to remember to pre-treat the chocolate smudges before setting the wash cycle.

Not to say that there's never a tug-of-war between my dreams and the laundry, I feel it nearly everyday. I've just learned to love the challenge, to let it teach me. If the laundry is smothering my heart, I feel discontent trying to creep in. Patience with my children grows thin. Then I try to do exactly what I want my children to learn...shake my head, take a deep breath and have grace...on my growing self.

I'd choose the laundry again.

The One I Was Meant To Write

This morning I'm making pancakes...right this very minute. Isn't that awesome? These words are coming to you straight from my kitchen counter top, in between pancake flips and table-setting. And who, you may ask, is responsible for this wonder of wonders? Someone who thought giving me a little pink laptop computer would help me to "blossom."

Now the kids and I have finished our breakfast, so this Saturday morning calls me and my laptop outside. You know your husband has been mowing the lawn when the kiddy pool is perched awkwardly atop the play fort. I spend many mornings and evenings after the kids are in bed, sitting on the deck or on my front porch with my little computer. Lately, Sunday has become my day out. A few hours to myself is always something to look forward to. I've been dreaming for several years of taking this kind of time for myself, but have had a difficult time pulling myself away, leaving my whole crew to fend for themselves (and also a little nervous about how the house will look when I return.) Once again, the giver of my pink laptop has priorities...I have noticed. Last Sunday, exhausted after returning from vacation, and a little emotionally overwhelmed, I was not in the best of moods. I certainly didn't feel like writing. After a few hours of making myself 'busy' around the house and ranting about why I really don't have time to go, my husband said, "you are going!" and saw me to the door. The funny thing is that I have been talking for years about taking time like this, but when he finally asked me, "What can I do to help you blossom?", I needed his help to get over myself enough to just walk out the door. Honestly, I love being loved by him.

I'm developing an affair, however, with Tim Hortons lattes...he pushed me to it. I tuck my little computer in my backpack and head of for some quiet time. I love sitting with my mug of coffee, soothing music on my ipod, writing away at my table in the corner. It's the book I'm working on...the one I affectionately call, "the one I was meant to write." And it may very well be that, in truth, this is the one...that is writing me.

Thankful Thursday: Sunsets, Children To Watch Them With and Friends Who Inspire Us to Live Our Best

Today I cleaned my house. I cleaned it with enthusiasm and even a hint of joy. Then I sat with my son and listened to him tell me about the first four original Superman comics. At about 8:20 p.m., I loaded my jammie-clad children in the van and chased the sunset west. We found a perfect view, parking on the edge of a dirt road next to a vast sunflower field, just newly blossomed, and watched the sun slip below a distant line of trees. Of course, the mood was interrupted more than once with "I'm thirsty," "I'm hot" and "I want to go home." But we endured, returning home radiant and playful and together.

I love sunsets...they are one of my all-time favorite things. We all want to live like this everyday, fully and freely. What would it be like to live life with open arms and open hearts...to chase sunsets and other spectacular things...to walk in the woods...to smile because you can? I am so so thankful for the dearest of friends who's kind words were enough to inspire the very best in me today. Thank you for remembering who I am even when I forget!

Keep the Field Guide in the Circle!

If you have read the Spiderwick Chronicles or indulged in the movie, like us, you would know the necessity of keeping the Field Guide within the protective circle. It is critical to your survival. My children know this well. In spite of their knowledge of pixies, sprites, trolls, goblins and such, they persist in taking their own copy of Arthur Spiderwick's Field Guide, outside of the barrier...a mistake I myself have warned them about. A few weeks ago, they and the neighbor girls, who are also well aware of the dangers, unwarily carried the Field Guide out of the protective parameters encircling the house. They had taken all the necessary precautions of salting the windowsills and packing plenty of tomato sauce, besides the crackers and honey, but somehow forgot the enchanted circle. I was busy doing dishes when I paused to look out the window, then ran to the back door. "Whatever you do," I yelled, "don't take the Field Guide outside of the circle!" They looked up at me with shocked, somewhat guilty expressions. I actually was hoping to get a laugh out of them. Sophie was the first to confess, "We dropped it in the pool, it's all wet." This was too perfect. I couldn't help but indulge myself in the game, and hopefully salvage it for the kids who were a little down about the shape of the book. "That's what happens," I playfully scolded, "when you take the Field Guide out of the circle. It was the goblins, wasn't it?" They took the bait without skipping a beat, explaining breathlessly and in detail the great struggle that took place between them and the goblins and how the book had finally ended up at the bottom of the inflatable kiddy pool, giggles, sparkling eyes and knowing grins ensuing. The book was gently laid out to dry in the sunshine, happy children, happy mama, savoring the pure joy of make-believe, all still quite certain that we have heard skittering in the walls.

Sweet Sophie turns Seven!

Here's to Sophie, my very favorite seven-year-old. She's a burst of sunshine in our lives! Here's the big sister teaching Sarah her "Nintergarten" lessons (Nintergarten is the class she's teaching Sarah before Kindergarten. :)
And here's the beautiful gal enjoying the outdoors on our hike yesterday. She asked me if we could move closer to these woods so she could ride her bike here and play all the time in the trees and brush that make such great hideouts. :) She's really in her element in nature...I love to see that!

My Mom's Surprise

I don't think my Mom will mind me sharing that she is a perpetually young-at-heart sixty-eight year-old. My mom loves Disney World and roller coasters...Shes been to both Disney World and Disneyland at least once...and as many times (if not more) without children as with. Her enthusiasm for joy-chasing is refreshing. She often likens herself to Tigger, which I would fully agree with. You either, like Roo, go along for the ride, or like Rabbit, try to lose her in the woods. Which is okay, as long as you drop her in my woods. Trouble is, she's hard to lose. And after a while of walking by yourself, you realize how much you appreciate her bouncing. After all, Tigger's not Tigger without his bounce.

Mom just never forgot all the youthful joy in life. She still enjoys sitting up late singing all the songs from girl scout camp at Turkey Creek, where she spent so many summers known as "Little Turtle." I know, because I've sat up late singing with her...she remembers way more songs than I do. Did you know that "Seikooc" is 'cookies' spelled backwards? (That's pronounced See-ko-wok for all you un-kansas-non-girl-scouters.) And I know watching a good old clip of Shirely Temple or Fred Astaire tapping makes her want to jump up and do a few steps herself...she's still that little gal who taught tap-dance in the studio her dad built. She's also the mom of six kids and grandma to 29 grandchildren.

Mom not only plays the piano, but she also taught herself the accordian and loves the tambourine. In fact, she bought Sarah and me our own tambourines when we were young. I joined right in with Mom, standing in the pews beating my tambourine to "I'll Fly Away." Maybe that's where my love of percussion came from...I know Mom's influence was a big part of my love for music. I started playing the snare drum in the 5th grade. Later, Dad gave in and bought me an old drumset. Mom came to all our school band concerts, tape recorder in hand, to hear Sarah on the flute, me on percussion. I enjoyed the orchestra bells and marimba, but I loved playing the drums.

I passed my drums on to my younger brother then to my nephew after leaving for college. My nephew is way better than I ever was. I've played a drumset maybe once in the past 10-plus years, moving on to fiddling with the piano and guitar...a bit more *mature* instruments, especially for a mom and wife. But just like Mom's tapping, I can't help but get a little antsy inside when I hear some great drumming. I've always said drumming is like dancing. A few nights ago, I dreamt I was playing the drums...I was really good, way better than I ever was in real life. It was so fun...like August Rush banging on that guitar...pure joy.

Funny enough, my Mom called me yesterday. The conversation (if not exactly in this order) went something like this:

Mom: "I've been thinking about you. I keep checking my answering machine to see if you've called."
Me: "I've been thinking about you too, trying to put my calendar into my new computer. Are you really going to be 69 this year, Mom?
Mom: "Yes, 69 this year."
Me: "Wow...Guess what...your birthday is on Hannakuh."
Mom: "Hannakuh...hey, that's neat."
Mom: "I'm sitting here at the computer and I found a drumset that is usually $569.00 and is on clearance for $199.99. That's a good deal. It's the company that I buy my tambourines from."
Me: "That is a good deal."
Mom: "Would you like to have a drumset?"
Me (laughing): "Are you kidding, I'd love a drumset...Luke almost got me one for Christmas, but he wasn't sure where we'd put it."
Mom: "Do you have a place for one?"
Me (Still laughing): "If I had a drumset, you know I'd find a place for it...I think the foosball table would have to go."
Mom: "How would you feel if I got you one?"
Me: "I'd probably cry."
Mom: "They have a blue one and a red one...what color would you want?"
Me (again, laughing): "What? Are you for real? I guess the blue one."
Mom: "Oh, wait, the blue one is a hundred dollars more."
Me: "For two hundred dollars, who cares what color it is!"
Mom: "The red one's really pretty. Wait, I can email you this website."
Me: "I like the red one better!"
Mom: "Okay, I'm ordering it...they'll send it to your house. You'll have to play it for me over the phone when you get it and when I come up this summer."
Me: "This is so funny..." I relay the dream I had just a couple of nights before this conversation.
Mom: "Well, I've been thinking about you and your drums lately. I did really well on my last book fair and I have some extra money...I've been blessed and I just wanted to bless you."
Me: "Thank you, Mom...thank you, so much."

Sometimes when you grow up, you forget your bliss...those simple things that are so innately you...that bring you such joy. Every once in a while I'm reminded and I step out of the everyday "grown up" world that I've created around myself and I let myself go back to just being "me." Because that little gal banging on the tambourine, belting out "I'll Fly Away" is still me.

I've always been told that I'm a lot like my mom. It's true, I am. Next month, we're going to Disney World. I thought I'd send Luke on the roller coasters with the kids, but you know, I think I'd like a good roller coaster ride...I need a dose of Disney.

Thanks Mom, for keeping me young...I hope my kids will be able to see the same young heart in me someday when I turn 69.

Thankful Thursday: Growing Children

I'm not the only one growing up. Sarah and I visited one of the local elementary schools today for the kindergarten round-up. As we walked up to the school doors she said to me very seriously, "I'm a little nervous." Sarah won't be five until October, so I'm a little nervous, too...not that she won't do well...I'm confident that she's ready. It's just me...I'm not so sure that I'm ready to see her all growing up like that on me. We walked around the gym visiting each table, and I watched her interact with the teachers, gaining more and more confidence along the way. I could tell it was sinking in with her just like it was with me...however I feel about it, she's growing up.

Truthfully, I couldn't be more pleased. After all, that's the game plan. Couple has baby, holds and loves baby, baby grows up....shortened version, of course. I have been thinking about this, anyway. My children do not belong to me. They come through me, not from me. Yes, I am their mother, but before I recognize them as my children, I recognize them as radiant souls...on a journey of their own...with much wisdom to offer me, as well. None of us are perfected, but we have the honor of traveling together. I have the privilege of being their mother...of loving them in a way I love no others...of growing through the unique challenges only a mother can understand.

I'm thankful to be able to see my children grow, but also thankful to share their shaping with other beautiful, caring people whom I have come to trust and appreciate not only as teachers, but as friends.

Thankful Thursday: 9 years

I just have to add that I am so thankful for 9 years with this guy. Being his mom has been a trip. He's the one I mark my mommy years with...my first baby and my one and only son. I could go on and on about how smart and sensitive this kid is and how proud I am of him. I'm just really glad to be on the receiving end of so much charm, wit, silliness and wisdom in the form of Sam. Happy Birthday, Samuel J.!

Thankful Thursday: Beautiful Souls

Note: I know it's not Thursday, but I wanted to post this older post from my other blog today...thanks for being patient while I slip these in :)

Over the years I have been blessed with many dear friends, but a few seem to have made a really special place for themselves in my heart. As I have grown, changed, moved and moved again, different people have come and gone, leaving lasting impressions with their unique presence in my life. Some of those old friends are far away now, some new friends are near, but they each have something special that I cherish and appreciate about them...something that makes me particularly aware of God's hand in putting them my life. These are the beautiful people who have made me realize lately just how very connected we are and how much we need each other.

I have a friend who is a writer at heart...we've been friends since our late teens. She's seen my best...and my worst through those akward "trying to grow-up years." We live in different states now, far apart. We both have families and our own little worlds. But still, when I'm feeling my most inspired as a writer, she is the one I write to. She is the one who shares those "Anne-ish" qualities that sometimes haunt me, and drive me into the dreamy world of words and stories and the ability to be mesmerized by a certain hue in the sunset or the glistening of sunshine in a drop of dew. She's a kindred.

I have another old friend who recently came back into my world. She is sensitive in the truest way and I have come to cherish and honor her as a growing person whom I can trust and admire on the journey. Let me just share this quote from author Wayne Teasdale, "Sensitivity is...an attribute of presence to others. It is the ability to be fully there for others, without any agendas. This sensitive presence is able to respond through deep listening--real listening with the heart to both what is said and left unspoken...Sensitivity, which is definitely a divine quality, is a form of selfless affection that is free of sentimentality. It is love transformed by divine union or enlightenment." I am blessed to have a friend whom I trust with my heart, someone who is an example of a person growing in the ability to truly see.

Neighbors can make your life sweeter or really test your character! My next door neighbor is one of the sweetest variety. She is thoughtful and kind and generous. I am thankful for dear new friends and God's way of putting people in our lives just when we need each other. That's so cool! I look forward to seeing our friendship grow!

First posted December 23, 2006 on A Path to My Woods

Good Bye Little Hamster

We lost our little Charlie Thomas this week. He really was the sweetest and best hamster I have ever known. He brought our children so much joy in the 2 1/2 years we had him. We'll really miss the little guy.

Thankful Thursday: Just what I need...

"All is perfect, so perfectly perfect!

Whatever being lives, moves

And breathes on Earth

At every level from atom

To galaxy is absolutely perfect in its place..."

The Principal Upanishads

Yes, Thankful Thursday is back. I meant to write this yesterday, it just didn't happen...the day started out good but some tumultuous emotions overcame me a bit during my breadbaking and gravy making. I just wasn't composed enough to write a TT post.

This has been a difficult year for me. In the midst of personal loss...the loss of some very important relationships, I have had to wade my way through many questions and feelings. Yesterday brought those feelings to the surface again. Sometimes I deal well with them, other times I melt. It's honestly hard for me to write about this and I've admittedly avoided it but I can't do that today because I'm feeling too grateful.

I'm grateful because I know that everything I experience in life is exactly what I need to grow as a spiritual being. If I succeed, my spirit is enlarged and I am deeply grateful for God's wisdom working in me. If I fail, I have a wonderful opportunity to learn and grow. It's all so good...so perfect.

None of this means life is going to be easy. We all face trials...some more than others. We are all at different places with different needs, different lessons to learn and challenges to grow from. I am thankful to see this journey as perfect, the people I travel with as just who I need close to me and each experience, joyful or painful, exactly what I need to go through.

And I have to add that I am so unbelievably blessed to share this journey with my husband...who is just the person I've always needed, and four radiant souls who fill my days with light.

Kindness Matters

I don't know who she was but her face has been stuck in my head for the past hour now.

A couple weeks ago I vowed that I would never take all of my kids shopping with me at once again. It wasn't that bad of an experience...I mean, we've had worse. But for some reason we seemed to have been quite a sight on our last grocery trip because we got an incredible amount of comments. Comments like "Wow, you are a brave woman," and of course, "Are they all yours?" I have four children and I am often told that I don't look old enough to have four children. I am. Four children does not seem like a huge family to me, I am one of six siblings and my oldest sister has eight. (That does seem like a huge family.) I occasionally get comments on my size. At our yard sale an older lady was looking at a size 4 dress I was given that was just too big for me (it was a big 4). She said, "These are all your children and you can wear a size four? Congratulations!" Thanks for the skinny genes, Dad. Anyway, one of the ladies in the grocery store that day could not seem to get over my little gang. She kept going on and on, talking to others, saying things like, "Geeze, that's not for me." In the check out line when someone again congratulated me for my bravery to bring them all shopping with me, I responded, "You do what you have to do. I wouldn't do it if I didn't have to." Needless to say, by the end of my shopping experience, I was drained and a little bit weary of my kiddos, who really were behaving quite well, considering my non-chipperness. So we got home and I said never again (which I fully knew was an unrealistic declaration).

My point, after the lengthy digression, is this: Kind words make a world of difference. I cannot begin to tell how my life has been altered by people who have taken the time to offer kind words, words of encouragement, words of affirmation. I can still see her face. I was at the grocery store today with the whole gang, bagging my groceries, dealing with hungry, tired children, in the most compassionately firm way possibly while bagging groceries and holding a wiggly 10 month old at the same time. She came right up to me and looked me in the eyes. She said, "You deserve great appreciation." That's all. I stopped, a little stunned. I said, "Thank you." I wish I had said much more, but really, I was a bit overwhelmed at a complete stranger offering so rich and sincere word of kindness to me that for a moment I was at a loss. Then she was gone. I hope I see her again. I would tell her how much her simple act of kindness meant to me and how I will remind myself again to be aware of others around me and to offer myself in that same way...even if it's just a kind or encouraging word.

My life has been affected again and again by thoughtful strangers and aquaintances who have taken the time to compliment or encourage me as a mother. We all need affirmation, to know we're doing a good job, to know it's going to be okay, to know we're not alone. When something like this happens in my life it makes me realize once again that I am a part of something much bigger.

What if we all took the time to be aware of the needs of others around us (at home and away) and learned to be liberal with kindness?